Getting a Little bit Closer

I am getting closer to opening my online store on etsy.com. I don't have a clue when I will, but this is OK, I tend to be a non-linear type of guy:) I still need to get more items made as well as get other things in order. Anyway, here are some pictures of my first sets of ear rings that will be in the Soular Wind Jewelry Collection.

Felt Like I Was Emotionally Frozen, But It's Only Resistance!

Back around the time I turned fifty I went through what felt like was sort of a frozen state of being. Not that I was cold but that I just didn't seem to be able to take action on things I wanted in my life and all I could do was sit around like some oblique melting ice sculpture.

Now in my sixth decade in this world I am up against this same feeling of an inability to take action toward my creative desires. This feeling of not being able to move, of not being able to take action is frustrating--to make an understatement--and still is such a mystery to me. Is it merely a lack of will power? Am I just lazy? Or what?

I think I may have found a reason for my lack of action toward my creative energy. I stumbled upon, Corrina Rachel, on YouTube. I watched her video, Why You Can't Change., which is really good, and she referred to, Steven Pressfield, and his book, "The War of Art"  I read the excerpt from his book, as well as other reviews, and have ordered the book.

I feel a bit better about myself now that I understand that my lack of action is not so much about my inabilities to get things going, but that I am up against a universal force that Pressfield calls, Resistance. I now feel that my oblique issue of not being able to achieve my creative goals is now defined. It is not just me, it is a force of nature and this new view is really starting to take root and I feel a strong sense of possibility!

In my philosophical thinking I have contemplated how it seems that resistance is needed for life. Some examples; child birth, a seed pushing up from the soil. I have also noticed how nature, the Life Energy, seems to keep on pushing through no matter what resistance it is up against. An example of this is how plants and such keep on trying to grow even when paved over. Any cracks available will be filled with green life! And tree roots will push up  sidewalks and streets and break through.

So, now is seems my inner work is to stop beating myself up for being lazy and use this understanding of Life Energy and the universal force of Resistance and see what I can do with it! Stay tuned for developments. 

Zen May Be Real

Zen seems to be real in my life. While most religions and such require you to believe, to have faith, merely because they have said so, Zen does not ask this sort of non-sense.  There is no deity to worship, no heaven, no hell. Just life.

In my last post I mentioned how one notion of Zen is non-attachment, of an attitude of not allowing life to move you from center when great things or bad things come your way. I feel this is something I have been able to integrate into who I am and I still am feeling OK with the theft that has recently happen to my home. I don't like it and have feelings about it, yet I am pushing on ahead and not allowing thoughts of vengeance or why did this happen to me and so on to take hold. 

I have replaced my computer and have been able to download a bunch of files I have stored with my Google account. However, I have not backed them up in a few months so have lost a fair amount. But now I have setup an online account with Dropbox. It is a free online backup which backs up continuously so you don't have to remember to do this--like I have forgotten to do. I like it and now feel secure that no matter what happens to my computer I can now retrieve all my files anytime and from any computer!

I have also installed lights behind my Travel Crib, which I have been thinking of doing for sometime! This in itself may have prevent the burglary. Who knows. The thing I am trying to share is the emotional freedom I feel in not getting bent out of shape over what happened or holding on to other negative emotions.

An Opportunity for Zen

Well, my home was burglarized this past week.  My computer, TV and a number of other small items were taken. Fortunately, my guitars  & amp were not. And even more amazing, I had  about forty grand in open credit cards in a small drawer on the shelf unit which the bums went through but did not get to! However, they also took an extra set of keys I had & a bottle of nice bourbon.

So, why is this a Zen opportunity. Well, one of the aspects of Zen is non attachment. When something really good happens the view is, interesting. When something bad happens the view is, interesting. Well, I am doing a decent job of being in that space. I still feel hurt and violated, yet, I feel centered and OK about who I am and my life.

A religion or philosophy are not really any good if they don't help you in day-to-day life. I can say that Zen is helping me right now, More words count less.

In Life I Trust, Oh Really

In my last post I wrote about how I trust Life to guide me in my life. Well, which way is Life now guiding me?

In my second week on my new job my right hip began to hurt really bad. I've had this pain before and have been able to work through it. I believe it is from the truck driver seats. In the past I have been able to petition my employer to get me an appropriate seat, however, I will not be able to do this now because I will be using what ever truck is available each day. And all the trucks are old and the seats in really bad shape. So now what? Is Life guiding me to get out of trucking all together? If I am unable to deal with the hip situation I have no choice. I can't help but wonder if this is happening because I would really prefer to get out of driving for a livelihood.

The pain is really intense and even with a three day weekend it has not gotten better. I have been hanging out with intense pain and no position really helps. To keep driving does not seem like such a good thing to do. However, I went to the chiropractor this morning and with a good jerk to my leg I felt and heard my hip pop! It still hurts, but it feels like I have a chance to work with it. I have also done research on exercises and stretches that may do me well.

While I am not ready to make a career change, I don't think this is what Life is pushing me toward right now. I'm taking the view that what my opportunity is, is to work with exercise and stretching to heal my hip, but much more. I believe what Life is pushing me toward  is to go deeper into taking care of my body with weight loss and building my muscle support is .

Now I know that belief can be challenged and put down or dismissed and this does not matter. The important thing for me is how this helps shape my attitude toward my life. My belief that Life is guiding me may or may not be true, but what is true is that this more positive attitude helps me to stay calm and take the next step to keeping my proverbial shit together and just feel better in my life!

Looking For a Name for My Sculptures

I have a name for my jewelry, "Soular Wind Jewelry Collection." Soular Wind is a name that came to me over forty years ago. I used that name for my band back in the good 'ol daze. This name is reflected in my jewelry which will have definite shapes, however, my sculpting has a different feel and will not have as definite shapes.

 I call my technique Shape Shifting Sanding. This is because the shape of the wood changes by what the grain brings out as I watch it move like a movie. My work has an almost aquatic feel to it, however, it's not really about the ocean.

Here are some pictures:

 

Here are some of the names I am working with. Please give me your feedback as to which one you like, or a name you think would be good:

1.  Fluid  Motion Sculptures 
2. Flowing Wood Grain Sculpture  
3. Shape Shifting Sculptures  
4. Wave Form Sculptures 

Practice Retirement is Over

I have considered the last couple of months as a practice retirement. (I don't like the word retirement but will use it for now. I plan an article addressing this sad word) It has been very good for me, but now I will be returning to my second career as a professional driver. The cool thing about this new job is that it will be local, which means I'll be home in my own bed every night!!! Also, the company I will be driving for is local and family owned. I get some really good vibes with everyone I have met so far.

The main thing that has evolved for me with this time out from working is that I now feel less fearful as to how I will handle retirement. The fear has been that I would sort of shut down and not do much. I have seen this all to often where a man retires and then goes down that proverbial hill rather fast. I believe this is because of no longer really being engaged with life. In addition to this concern I also am not set up financially for the status qua framework of retirement. In other words I'll have to work till I die!

Here is where this blog & online store come in. I have held a vision of creating a livelihood that I could do comfortable through the years using my talents and skills with woodworking, as well as with sculpting, writing, music and maybe ever a little bit of magic. This is where I have been able to use this time out to focus on my vision and have made some fantastic progress with it!

I have no idea as to what sort of energy I will keep up with my business with getting back to the work world, however, things are in place and the fact that I will be home daily and off weekends gives me hope I can keep it on track. However, I understand that I am more of a non-linear character and know that my flow will come and go, yet always to return to my dreams!  

Left Brain ~ ~ ~ Right Brain

Light ~ ~ ~ Dark

Day ~ ~ ~  Night

Masculine ~ ~ ~ Feminine

Yin ~ ~ ~ Yang

It is only in the balance that opposites work. One will never rule or destroy the other. It is this fighting for dominance within myself that has caused myself & others close to me so much grief in this life. 

I was born into a male body but with a tremendous amount of feeling & emotions. Astrologically I am a triple water sign and a Type Four Personality of the Enneagram nine personality types. The proverbial deck was stacked against me from the beginning!

I was born in 1952, a time when men were men and women were women. Period! My dad was also a drill Sargent when he was in the military and I think he regretted leaving that career.  However, that experience didn't go to waste as a family man. His booming voice could stop all five of us kids cold in our tracks. Even at his wake neighbors who were kids  when I was spoke of remembering how powerful his voice and presence was. 

No need to go into sharing my childhood other than to say that being a sensitive male was an issue in my home. Intellectually I understand that my dad's ways had more to do with the world he grew up in, however, the affect on me has been tangible. I'm getting ready to enter my sixth decade of life and still struggling with the consequences of having a major aspect of who I am denied and even attempts to banish any feminine aspects in me.

It's only recently that I have been starting to get a better understanding of this inner struggle between my masculine & feminine energies. Today I was contemplating this and realized that what is needed is to make peace between this two aspects of who I am. I "know" that both aspects are necessary to being fully human, but the ego is having a tough time with this.

A few years back I had an inspiration to write a book entitled, "The Wisdom of Men Following the Guidance of Women." I gave it a lot of thought but never got into the work of writing it. However, I believe that there is deep truth in this title. I have learned that there have been a number of native traditions where women held the power of decision making and the men carried them out. It was a balance between the two and not one dominating the other. The Iroquois, who influence the drafting of The US Constitution, was a society were the women held the power of decision and guidance of the tribes.

So now it seems like it's time for me to bring there intellectual ideals down into my body, my feelings, my psyche and learn how to live them, to make peace within my own being. If there is all I accomplish for the remainder of my time here, well that would be way friggin' cool!              

Soular Wind Sculpture

These are a couple pictures of a sculpture I did awhile back. It is about nine inches high. It's made of Alder and finished in oil.  It is on pieces like this where I developed my Shape Shifting Sanding technique.

My Soular Wind Jewelry Collection is a starting point for my online store, Soular Expressions. In time I will be creating larger one of a kind sculptures and eventually a furniture line,     

Comment or Compliment?

When I ask folk to comment on my posts I am not fishing for compliments. I truly desire to hear what you have to say and different or opposing views are the fuel for growth and
understanding. While I hope what I have to share may be of benefit to others, your comments are valuable to me and others!
 

Non Linear Dream Coming Together!

I've been in my Travel Shop a good part of the day and making some great progress with producing product! The new tools I have gotten are really working well. Along with what I have I am pretty much set to kick out the Soular Wind Jewelry Collection. 

This is a dream that goes back, well, what now seems like lifetimes ago. When Valerie, our sons mom, and I were first together I was working on a planter box business I wanted to do through mail order. Part of the dream was that we could live anywhere, just as long as we were near a post office. I came up with some great designs, but I lacked the business expertise to get it off the ground. I did get an order from Japan and a catalog request from Pakistan.

That faded and when I got into the carpenter apprentice program the dream was to get a trailer for tools and be able to travel around using the Union hiring halls to get work.. Then that faded.  

Fast forward a bit to when I switched careers from cabinet maker & designer to commercial driving. During this time I bought a motor home I call my, Travel Crib. Later on I got a utility trailer I call my Travel Shop. While I was driving as a local driver in Portland I began to set up my Travel Shop.

I went back to over the road driving. It started off OK in that of being home two days a week, but then it got to be two or more weeks on the road. I had some great experiences in seeing so much of this land, but it wore on me living out of a truck and being gone so long. But more, I lost my dream. I thought about it--had way to much time driving just to think--but wasn't able to do much about it.

Now I am back on track and getting excited! This unplanned time out from working is really paying off for me. It is allowing me the time needed to get back on track in my own time, which non-linear (I'll be writing more about this later). Basically all the attempts in the past and the bits & pieces I have put together through the decades are now coming together. 

I know that this refreshed phase of my dream with fade--but never fade away--as the reality of needing to get back to work for a livelihood get closer, however, I am fully enjoying the moment! 

New Toys!

Got myself some new toys for my Travel Shop and business. Feel a bit crazy buying tools when I'm not working, but I am following my dream, my passion, my hope for a way to support myself beyond a normal working life. 

I got a spindle sander & scroll saw. Both are going to help me be productive and allow my creativity to flow.

It feels good to be moving on this path I have longed for far too long! And it feels good to trust my Life and believe in me and who I truly am. It's a bit scary as well, but I am choosing not to let fear run my life anymore.

 

Travel Shop

Here are some pictures of my Travel Shop and my first two pendant cutouts in Teak. Next I need to do some shape shifting sanding.

Dear Diary

I have done a lot of journal writing over the years and it has been good for me. However, it gets rather stale too because I know no one will ever read it. I have also published articles and self published a book of my songs and poems, A Look Inside However, this all gets to feeling a bit lonely because while others may read my work I never interact with them. This is why I am getting excited about this blog because other people can interact with me on it! 

For me a journal is be about self discovery and figuring things out in life. I see this blog doing the same & now have the chance to get feedback & other views which can expand the potential for self growth as well as the satisfaction of being in touch with others in this way.  

The Work of Creative Vision

 

Got an initial business card going. It's OK, however, what I like is the idea that my pieces will have a similar shape in order to set up production, but each one will be different like how snowflakes have a basic overall shape yet each one is unique.  The basic cutout will be the production part and then the shape shifting sanding is where they will all be just a bit different.

And now the work to the vision! I been having fun buying tools and setting up my Travel Shop to get ready to produce product, but now I am up against the work of making templates and prototypes. I am having a tough time getting the templates the way I want them! Hence the work. Also just getting used to the tools and materials and how to work 'em will take a bit of time.

Soular Expressions

Creative Expressions of Inner Visions

Repeating Styles each as Unique as a Snowflake

Dennis “C’Ja” Bergfeld

503-319-4556

SoularExpressions1@gmail.com

www.soularexpressions.blogspot.com

Gett'n My Ya Yas Out!

People who are judgmental are really screwed up!

Judgmental-ism.             Another schism of division.        A desperate attempt of protection-ism.

Confession is supposed to be good for the soul. Well, let me try it out and see. I feel a need to talk about how I have an almost constant judgmental thought train. I tend to make judgments about most everyone I see! i.e: look at how stupid he looks wearing that hat cocked sideways; look at how that old fart is trying to buy an identity with those Harley patches; look at that super fox; what a low life looking MF; and so on and so on. I know this isn't unique to me, however, it is something I really don't like about my self talk, yet feeling unable to stop the train.

Beyond this is how I can then feel like I am in some way better off than all those poor jerks around me! This is how I sometimes feel about my spiritual awareness, or at least what I want to believe as spiritual; I am somehow above it all, I "know" better, I don't have to play these stupid worldly games.

I guess my saving grace is that this crap is mostly going on in my head. My behavior is much better. When I interact with people I may judge I tend to be open and communicate from my heart and not allow the crap thought train to act out. I am generally genuine with people and try to see them for who they really are. I try to let them know I see them.

It seems like these thoughts are stronger when I'm not feeling so good. Maybe run down, or strung out, a bit sick, dealing with the blues. Perhaps my ego does this as an attempt to help me feel better about myself by seeing how other people are worse off than me. I can't say that it really helps because my negative self talk can kick in and judge myself for thinking such thoughts. 

I think I feel a bit better. Anyway this helps to see what it be and maybe this will set me free.

I am starting this blog as part of a creative expression of soul. My intent is to start a business by the name SoularExpressions in order to develop a livelihood that reflects my creative side, which I believe is a direct expression of soul.

What I like about this name is that all of my creative expressions fit; writing, music, sculpting, a furniture line. I had been thinking about using the name of Earth Resonate, however, this does not seem to be as expressive, though it is an idea for the intent behind my work.

It's not me!

Creativity, the creative energy in life, in the arts, isn't about the person. I believe that we tap into a level that is beyond the individual and we merely add our arrangements to that energy. As a musician I had a very direct experience of this.

Some years back I helped a friend, Wil, take his guitar & equipment from Portland to a farm house in Woodburn, OR. He was joining a Jam Fest a bunch of local musicians put on each year. Not some big to do thing with tickets sales and such, just down home garage band jamming. We arrived early afternoon on Friday of the weekend blast.

Wil got his gear set up and was warming up. I went over and sat down behind the drum set that was there. I made a few pounds and set the sticks down because I didn't want to embarrass myself. I'm a guitarist, not a drummer. As the afternoon went on others trickled in to get set up for the weekend. I messed around a bit on Wil's guitar and when Wil got back on his gear I picked up a set of bongos to play around with. After feeling a groove with Wil I got back on the drum set. I mostly played the floor tom and moved the sticks around a little, but not too much.

Before I knew it other musician joined in on the jamming. Suddenly I found myself kicking ass on the drums to a full band! My arms and legs were moving all over the place as this spontaneous jam took off! At this point I wasn't thinking about what I was doing, I was just going with the proverbial flow. It felt great! When the jam stopped I immediately got up from the drum set and walked away. I knew better than to press my luck. And it was more luck than ability. As I said, I am a guitarist, not a drummer.

Friends came up to me blown away and said how amazing I was on the drums. I just smiled because I was still on the jam high and just as amazed as to what just happened.

The next day I came back down to the full Jam Fest in motion. I enjoyed listening to the various bands and meeting new people. As one band was playing I became astonished because they were doing an original song, however, the music sounded just like a song I wrote many years earlier! The astonishment was in how could the band have ripped off my song since I had never recorded it and it was never heard beyond friends and the band I was part of in Arizona. I called my song, Viking. It was high energy and the arrangement rather different than most music. So how could this band be playing my song!

This is when I fully realized, understood, that music is not personal, it IS something we just tap into and allow it to flow through us. I believe I was able to kick ass on the drums the day before not because of my skill, other than being a musician, was that I tapped into the musical energy that was coming together that weekend. And then to have what I thought was my song being played by another band added to this experience that music, creative energy, is Universal and we merely become a channel of expression.

So, what is soul? If you can answer this, you don't know. Oh, how Zen!

I am no longer concerned so much about "knowing the answer." My concern now is more about living more from my heart, my center, my spirit, of expressing the soulfulness of who I am. Too many years have been spent trying to distance myself from ego, the world, in search of a higher meaning to life. Too many years have been spent in aloofness because I knew that I am more than what I appear to be so I haven't had to really partake in this so called 3D reality; I just needed to do time until I could be free to soar through the cosmos and finally be who I truly am.

While I still love to entertain the great questions, I now desire to just follow my heart, my inspiration, which isn't all the easy to do in this world, whether it be 3D or not. But I do know what I feel in my body, in my chest, like when I cut loose with my guitar or imagine shapes of things to create in wood. Perhaps this may be soul. Yeah, it is this feeling I need to express in order to express soul. Least wise, this is how I am seeing it or should I say feeling it?

It seems like the world is going through changes of the old passing away as the new comes into being. However, it's more like a clearing away of what has been hiding what IS. I feel this in me. It is not a matter of becoming something new or fixing the old but of just allowing who I truly am to be more present, to shine like a new day sun, which really isn't new, just a return.

I am in somewhat of a major transition in my life--Ah, it's just Life. Anyway, I am coming up on sixty, lost a career and not sure of my ability to get another job. I accept this situation as a way for my Life to help me find what is best for me. I have been thinking a lot of changes I want to make in my life but just continued to keep doing the same thing out of a belief that this is what I need to do for security. A result of this has been high blood pressure and not really feeling too good about how I have been living.

I am not sure of what is to come. All I know is that this path I am now walking feels good to my feet. Just as doors have closed, they are opening for me as I take the next step. I feel this is the path of soul; trusting in Life to take me where it is best for me, and those I care about.

Soul Expressions is sort of the umbrella for this phase of my Life journey. It is like the arrow pointing my Way. It is a feeling in my chest and a vision in my mind's eye. The beginning part of this expression is a line of jewelry that embraces this inner vision, this heart feeling. There are shapes I see and feel and while not particularly innovative or amazing, they are my Soul Expressions.